This weekend is military appreciation at the Aces games. Tonight during the first intermission the Vietnam Vets Harley club hosted a fallen soldiers ceremony. Several participants were recent purple heart recipients from various Alaskan branches of the military.

As I sat watching this ceremony welcoming home those who have recently "served" in Iraq...and to honor those who have died, not just in this most recent "conflict" but in all previous American conflicts, I found myself repeatedly uncomfortable. Trapped, trying to reconcile two very disparate feelings.

On the one hand, I do not support the cause for which these newly returned men and women have been sent so far from home. I don't even really support the idea of the military or its overwhelming power and resource consumption (especially in this country.) Yet, I recognize the "need," at least at present day, for the armed forces to exist. More than that though, I have trouble reconciling my distaste for such a militaristic display and the fact that so many in the audience with which I sat so clearly support and embrace it, with my need to honor and respect those who have died and show compassion for those they have left behind.

I can't figure out if these most recent deaths are made all the more tragic by the fact that they were for a "cause" I find so repugnant. At least in (some) other/previous wars the causes were noble and the people who felt they were defending freedom may really have been.

I struggle with this and realize that these issues might be the sort of which I am bound to struggle with more as I see my youngest brother so excelling in his JROTC program and recognize that he may see the military as a quality choice for his future. It's made all the more difficult by the fact that I know following such a path might be one of the few things that helps him to climb out of the cycles that our family seem to get caught in. But, I fear for him in that...in all the ways that any family member would...but also I fear him becoming something or someone I am ideologically opposed to.

I know it isn't a guarantee that this will happen. I need only to look at my Uncle Brian, one of the people for whom I have always had the most respect, and his military career to know that it can serve my brother well without turning him into the "wrong" (in my eyes) kind of person. But my uncle enlisted and served most of his career during very different times...

Activity

I'm getting lazy. Or I've been failing to take advantage of the snow. Or maybe I got lulled into a complacent laziness because of the late arrival of the snow. It seemed too late in the year to hike, but there wasn't any snow so I couldn't go snowshoeing or skiing.

But, we've had snow for in town for about a week now, and I do live right around the corner from Russian Jack...I have no excuse for not skiing a few K except laziness. And there has been enough snow in the mountains for snowshoeing for at least a month.

I've got to get outside. I'm feeling like I might start going a little stir crazy and lapse into bad habits (like leaving the TV on for 6 hours even though I'm not even actively watching it) to mask my stir craziness. It's sort of a cyclical thing too...when I don't get outside and be active, I tend to do fewer active things inside (like go to the gym) and it leads me to feeling lest motivated to do the sedentary things I have to do, like homework... I need to get on top of this now.

I was planning on swimming tonight, because it has become my Tuesday night habit...but I'm wondering if I should go skiing instead? Maybe I'll do both! That's probably overly ambitious though...

I have work but no school tomorrow. Maybe I'll swim tonight and ski tomorrow after work. Trav will still be sleeping then, so it's not like he'll mist me at all...

Blah

I'm in a really terrible mood. I'm not sure when it happened. I was in a fine mood earlier today. But after leaving my Applied Anthropology class I discovered as I was talking to various people that I am just feeling very bitchy and blah.

Currently I'm kind of planning on skipping the hockey class I have in half an hour. I have no good reason except that I just don't feel like going. I really enjoy the second half of class when we scrimmage (even though I am not AT ALL good, it's fun.) But I don't really enjoy the skills drills at all. I am easily the worst person in the class. Kelly G. might argue with me on that fact about which one of us gets the honor, but I think it's me. I'm slow, and not picking up the skills nearly as quickly as everyone else.

I should just practice more between class, but it is harder to motivate myself to do when it's walking over to skate inside stinky WFSC and not going out to Westchester or something like that.

I want to be good, or at least adequate, at skating and playing so that I can play on a rec team. That's why I signed up for the class, so I should go and practice, right?
But, I have far too big an ego and I'm way too competitive for my own good. That's really my problem.

I do not like being bad at things. I especially don't like being abysmal at things. And even more specifically, I am way too concerned about being a "girl." I HATE being bad at things that girls are stereotypically bad at, like sports.

I have always felt as though, based on my personality and interests, sports are things at which I should be good. But, generally, they just aren't. Generally, I throw like a girl, and that translates into most of my other athletic endeavors too. Sometimes I blame it on lack of exposure as a child...and maybe that's it. But maybe it is just that I lack that kind of aptitude and don't want to admit it.

So, instead of sucking up the pride and practicing so I can actually gain some skill, what do I feel like doing? I feel like quitting so it isn't so painfully obvious how much I suck.

Right now I'm working on talking myself into going to class today (if for no other reason that so Kelly doesn't hate me!) and out of dropping the class all together.

But, with my general mood right now...I don't know how effective that is going to be.

I miss conversation

I was just sitting here thinking about it and realized how rare amazing conversation has become in my life.

It used to be everywhere. A huge part of who I was and what we did. Remember the summer after senior year of high school when 5 of us we would spend all night in Anna's living room just talking?

I do. I miss those times. It isn't that I'm feeling nostalgic or melancholy. It's simply that I just realized this was a facet of my life I once treasured, and seemed to have lost touch with it.

I got a little of it during my Title Wave year and the year that immediately followed. Some of the people I met during that time were amazing, and it is a shame that, due to all the various mitigating factors, they are lost to me....or their conversation became lost to me.

I am not sure I have had consistent quality conversationsince then.

Kelly is too far away (and we are both so busy) for our amazing conversations to happen often. Cheryl is close, but I am so much more vocal than her that with just the two of us I think it is far too easy for me to dominate the conversation...which results in me rambling far more than it results in us consistently having the kind of conversations we once did.

I think that must be one thing that encouraged me along with T so much. Why I quickly wanted him around. He and I seemed to be really able to have great conversation about all manner of things. But...he's off having amazing summer adventures in Denali.

Kelly will be home in less than a month, I look forward to that. And I could work on it with Cheryl...but for some reason I always end up rambling with her. Maybe it's because I've given her so little time the last few years that whenever I do make time...I always feel like we are catching up.

I should fix that!

Long solitary drives lead to thinking

Wednesday I drove up to Fairbanks to visit Natasha for her birthday (which was Thursday.) It was a much needed summertime escape from Anchorage. Since being back from Adak I have not have had enough of thus. (meaning, I haven't left town at all... a far cry from my normal pattern of leaving every weekend.)

We had a ton of fun! At 90+ degrees it was absurdly hot when I rolled into town.



Because Natasha is so motivated, we went for a run. The part that motivated me was the fact that the day prior she had described this run to me, which ends with a swim across the Chena River. I so wanted to be a part of that activity! So, we ran then we swam.

Yes folks, it's true, we own the Chena River...



On her birthday we went to Chena Lake to swim and biked around the park....had a BBQ for her birthday Friday night and today she ran a half marathon and kicked ass! We hung out with Kristin quite a bit as well, since she was in Fairbanks having just returned from the field.

Oh. My car got towed Wednesday. It was pretty bogus. It was parked in the visitor center parking lot at Ft. Wainright. They do have a sign posted stating that it is limited to 20 minutes, however it is a singular sign and it is posted on the left side of the driveway at the entrance. I honestly didn't even see it. It felt particularly bogus considering the huge proliferation of other, VERY LARGE, signs they had posted everywhere else...

Today I drove back...and on my initial departure from Fairbanks I decided that I am getting far too sentimental in my old age. While I was waiting at the finish line of the race this morning, I found myself with a lump welling up in my throat as I was picturing her rounding the corner. (weird!) and then.... as I was driving out of town I was on the verge of honestly tearful. I had to turn off the DMB CD because "Long Black Veil" came perilously close to making me cry.

Yes, it is a sad song. But it is a beautiful song. I have listened to it a million times in the past. It is one of my favorite songs. Never before has it made me cry (or almost cry.)

So, that's what I thought about for the first few hours of my drive. (Though, thankfully, the sadness to the point of tearfulness passed much more quickly.)

This was the second time in about month I have gotten tearful over parting ways with a friend. Perhaps it is because I have only just begun to truly appreciate my friendships as I should. I realized that I have spent far too much of my life almost indifferent and lazy in terms of my friendships. It was a shocking realization, and disturbing. But I've vowed to change my ways. Especially in terms of those friends who do mean so much to me.

The drive was good for me. I listened to three podcasted episodes of "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" and two of "Car Talk." During that time I had a couple of reveltations about grad school applications, personal statements and career opportunities. Maybe someday someone will give me a Fulbright to study in South America.

That would be incredible!

But...

I am also wondering. Does appreciation of one's youth make longing greater or numb it behind enjoyment?

I suspect the moment of being lost in one's youth makes it dulled and then being reintroduced to ones normal surroundings (i.e. home) immediately post feeling overwhelmed and enthralled by such simple enjoyment might make it seem greater in comparison.

Appreciation

Sometimes I have to stop and think about things. Sometimes I suddenly really appreciate the fact that I am still young. It is not that I ever feel particularly old. However, given my age and my stage in life (just finishing my BA at 27) as of late I have more often found myself caught in a feeling of being old and stuck in a routine.

I guess it is a matter of perspective in entirety, but the perspective provided by nights such as these helps me to remember how fun it is to be 27. It helps me to remember that "these" are the days that I will look back at with fondness. (Although, one could hope that I will look back at all of my days with fondness...and since I have sole control over that, I suppose I will.)

I went out with Jacy and Jacob tonight. We got dinner and beers at Bear Tooth and then moved to Organic Oasis to hear the Flat Mountain Girls. Unfortunately they were very crowded and the acoustics were abysmal. It turned out OK...we moved downtown to Humpy's where it turned out they had a huge portion of the alley opened up and fenced off...with an outdoor stage, in celebration of their 13th anniversary.

It was fantastic. The clouds seemed to have all vacated the space above us, the cover band (BC Groove from Salt Lake) was not phenomenal, but was very danceable (accepting a few "artistic" but weird spins, such as starting to play a Steve Miller tune, and then turning it seamlessly into Shaggy and back) and enjoyable.

They played the Femmes: "Blister on the Sun" and two Dave Matthews tunes. Can't argue with that.

Dancing under the open and still brightly lit sky of downtown Anchorage, at midnight, I found myself once again reveling in the beauty and fantasticness (just roll with it) that is my home. And feeling the music, classic cover tunes though the may have been, coursing through me...it was simply fun and invigorating. Add a Fairweather IPA and a few Sockeye Red IPA's on top...and I remember what it is important to remember:

Live in the moment. Soak up the light, soak up the music. Appreciate where I am, who I am and what I am. It is good to be 27. It is good to get out with friends and have a good time. It is good to simply be. And to dance.

My drive home was equally enjoyable. At 1:00 a.m. I could see the vibrant pink and orange of our vague sunset in my mirrors. But more than that, I could see in bold and clear detail both Mt. Foraker and Mt. Denali crisp and huge basked in the waning light of this summer night.

It's a shame my camera batteries died at Humpy's... it would have been a perfect image to capture.

Oh, as a side note. I just saw myself on the channel 2 news. I looked like a gomer. I was carrying a water pitcher from inside my new places of employment to the deck outside while my manager was being interviewed about the new smoking ban. Weird.

Speaking of which, I may have to work there tomorrow. I'm supposed to call in at 10:30 (8 hours from now...not too bad I suppose) to see if they need me. Three days on the job, and so far, bizarrely, I really kind of love it. Time passes quickly, most of my coworkers seem like good to great people. I had my first full day of serving today...including a huge 2 hour bridal shower. Everything went pretty well. I think I'll keep them. :-)

Passing on Passion

Last weekend I took my youngest brother Dillon up Flattop.

When I returned from Adak he declared "Hey Kim, we should go hiking sometime." I agreed, but was suspicious. I love to do things with my brothers, and usually try and take them to do things that I love, to share my passions.

This is such an amazing place and so many people that here don't appreciate it because they fail to take advantage of its splendor and beauty. I've always tried to make sure my brothers are exposed to everything Alaska has to offer.

They are Alaskans...and love doing things outdoors. However, in the past they have been anything but enthusiastic about activities that include excessive amounts of walking in the woods or uphills.

When Dillon made this request I assumed that he was simply bored out of his mind and looking for ANYTHING that might get me to agree to relieve some of his boredom.

He shocked me. Flattop is a fast hike, and the most popular in Anchorage. But that doesn't mean it is an easy hike It is steep at times, especially the top. None of that seemed to stop Dillon. On our way up the very crowded mountain I saw something blossom in my baby brother.

No longer was he the tired and whiny little kid he was the last time I took him for a hike. He was exuberant and enthusiastic! He was practically running up the mountain side. And he was kicking my ass in the process (something that is happening more and more, especially now that he has 10 inches on me.)

The look on his face as he stared down at me from the summit as I scrambled over the remaining 10 feet of scree filled me with pride and joy. Albeit it a short hike, but he had made it to the top of his first mountain powered by his own two legs. He knew it, he was proud of it, and the thrill of being on a mountain top was pouring out of him. And my pride was pouring over him.

Now, I know part of that is self pride. As I was thrilling with him, and remembering the way I felt the first time I made it to the top of a mountain (also Flattop) I was also proud of myself for being such a cool big sister. More than that though, I was just so excited to see the passion I feel for Alaska and our mountains enveloping my brother. Another convert!

That means someone else to play with. But it also means someone else who will cherish the Chugach Range...and hopefully mountains in general.

Tonight, I got another, bigger taste of that same feeling. My goal for the evening was to hit the second mountain on my summer list: Indianhouse Mountain from Falls Creek. After Flattop Dillon requested to be invited on all of my hikes so I was expecting him to come along. However, just as we were getting ready to leave my brother Brandon requested to come as well.

I was shocked, but pleased. And I should have been!

His enthusiasm, their enthusiasm, as we made our way up the steep trail was fantastic. Yes, they got tired a lot (but so do I!) but they never complained. Instead there was a constant marveling at the tumbling creek which was our near constant companion as we made our way higher and higher into the valley. As we began to pop out above tree line they would turn around and soak in the view proffered of Turnagain Arm through the valley opening.

Soon the conversation turned to how amazing Alaska is...and how people don't like it here because they fail to get out to places like that. To hear the words coming our of their mouths made me so happy.

When it was time to turn around and head back down the mountain neither of them wanted to. The conversation immediately turned to when they could next make it back to that spot. To bringing friends and tents, and staying up there to soak up the mountain atmosphere for as long as possible.

There are few occasions when I feel more alive, more satisfied or more passionate than when I am sitting on top of a mountain. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am that my youngest brothers now realize the beauty and the possibility too.

(re-posted from June 20, 2007)