Happy New Year!

I don't normally do resolutions. Or rather, I usually spend the entire month of December thinking of potential resolutions, and then I half-heartedly commit to some of them, but only in my own head. However, I really am a sucker for tradition, and I also have a real appreciation for the symbolic clean-slate that is a new year. As such, I've decided that, not only am I going to start really making resolutions, but that they're also going to be goal oriented, and that I'm going to write them down for accountability's sake.

So, with that, these are my resolutions for 2012. 

In 2012 I will:

Spend more of my life in the real world, and less of it on the internet.

Run

     -15 miles a week (minimum) for the first 6 months

     -21 miles a week (minimum) after the first 6 months, or once I've worked   back up to that mileage, whichever comes first.

     -Run at least five 5ks

     -Pick a half-marathon to run

     -Run (my first!) half-marathon

     -Weekly blog update about my running

     -Cross-train:

          Yoga 5 mornings a week

           3 fitness classes a week

           Wii fit. I have it, I should use it more.

Write

     -My thesis!

     -Three professional papers

     -Blog about my general life and my resolutions. Where noted I'll do updates on my resolutions on a specific interval.  I also plan to check-in here quarterly to do summary check-ins. I've already set my calender up to remind me.

     -Letters-- real letters, not just emails-- to people I love. Minimum of one letter a month, to each person on my list.

Read

     -I have 140 books sitting in my "To-Read" stacks. I will read 100 of them this year, plus whatever I'm assigned for school. I will write reviews of each book I read. 

     -Reviews will be posted on Goodreads, and cross-posted here.

Mealplan

     -Make a weekly meal plan for 5/7 dinners a week

     -Make at least 2 recipes a week inspired from one of the myriad cookbooks I have, but never use.

     -Grocery shop based on my meal plan, cut down on impulse buying food. (Even if it's beautiful, beautiful produce.)

     -Blog about my meal plan successes and failures. (Monthly?)

Simplify

     -Clean out my closest

     -Donate 2 boxes of stuff to Goodwill, twice this year

     -Clean and organize my hard drives

     -Get rid of books that I've finished reading and disliked (or didn't actively love.)

     -Get rid of any cookbooks I haven't used at the end of the year.

Create

     -Improve my sewing skills

     -Learn to knit (or crochet)

Finish Anthropology MA, graduate

Begin Master in Nursing Science

Maybe I'm being unrealistically ambitious, but I don't think so. We'll see.

I'm counting on you to help hold me accountable. What are your resolutions for 2012?

An All-Local Christmas Dinner!

First, some background:

In November I signed up to participate in the Dark Days Challenge. The idea of this challenge is to get people cooking at least one meal a week featuring sustainable, organic, local* and ethical (SOLE) ingredients, and then blogging about the cooking experiences. I signed up with great enthusiasm, because after a year of living in North Carolina, I'm still in love with how easy it is to eat seasonally and locally here even in the dead of winter; especially given what a difficult time I had creating SOLE meals during the height of summer when I participated in the One Local Summer challenge back in 2008, while still living in Alaska. 

Sometimes, I miss Alaska so much that it hurts. I can't wait to get back, and there are no better carrots, potatoes, wild berries or wild salmon than those found in Alaska. However, one thing I love about NC is the rich abundance of local, sustainable food that is grown year round here (even while I'm disappointed at how hard finding many things can be in Eastern North Carolina given that it's an agricultural intensive region.)

Technically, this challenge started on November 27th, however, that happened to coincide with my end of the semester madness. Though I have made more than one SOLE meal a week since then,  this is the first time I've managed to actually get myself together enough to document the meal, and compose a post. So, a full month into this challenge, I'm finally getting around to posting. Hopefully, next week, I'll remember to document more than one meal.

Christmas Dinner 2011

I love the holiday season a sort-of ridiculous amount. If you know me in real life, this is not news to you. In fact, even if you know me just through the internet, this is likely not news to you.  This is our second December in North Carolina, but was to be our first Christmas here since we couldn't go back to Alaska to spend it with my family, or to Seattle to spend it with Travis'. I spent a lot of time feeling rather sorry for myself about this fact, until I realized that, for the first time ever, I could prepare a SOLE Christmas dinner, while also keeping a fairly "traditional" menu:

Menu

Beer Baked Ham

Mashed & roasted sweet potatoes with garlic & onions

Roasted broccoli & carrots

Whole wheat biscuits

Plum Cake with Honey

One thing about living in a region that produces food year-round, is that it doesn't feel like Christmas to those of who are used to white-Christmases. I attempted fool my psyche into the seasonal spirit, despite a total lack of snow on the ground or nip in the air, through madly baking and cooking on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. 

Still, as I prepared the ham for baking, and heard Mr. Heat Miser singing in the background, I had never really hated him more. :-)

A while back I got a ham from Circle Acres Farms (in Silk Hope, NC, 128 miles from Greenville) via my local CSA, Locavore Market.  I am a heavily vegetarian leaning flexitarian, as such I don't eat or cook a lot of meat. Mostly, I got the ham because I knew Travis would appreciate it. I stuck it in the freezer, and sort of forgot about it for a while. When I pulled it out to cook it, I was sort of shocked. If you'd asked me before if I'd ever seen a ham in it's pure, unadulterated, uncured form, I would have told you that, of course I had. I think I would have been wrong. 

I had never before seen a ham that looked this, and I'd certainly never cooked one before. A bit of Googling later, I decided that cooking the ham in beer was the way to go.

As is always the case, we had a lot of excellent beer from which to choose, however, we didn't have any of it great amount. I couldn't decide which to sacrifice to the ham until I remembered that we still had several cans of my favorite beer in the entire world, Sockeye Red IPA, that were partially flat due to damage they sustained while flying in my checked suitcase this summer. This beer certainly doesn't count as local under any sense in this challenge, however I chose to allow them for a few reasons.  Because the beer was flat, we were never going to drink them, and they were essentially only good for cooking. Using them in my Christmas meal also served as a bit of an homage to my home state "local"devotions, and since I personally carried the beer back from Alaska, in my suitcase it felt a bit less like true import. Finally, I'm opting to count the beer as a spice, since it's the only way I seasoned the ham. It's a bit of a stretch, I recognize that.

I put the 5lb bone-in ham, skin side up in my large dutch oven, and poured two cans (24 oz) of beer over it. I put the lid on, and placed it in my oven set at 325°. I let it bake for 2.5 hours before removing the lid and letting it cook for another hour, until it had reached an internal temp of 160°.

I washed four sweet potatoes, pierced them, and placed them in a pyrex baking dish in the oven along with the ham. I roasted them until they were soft, and then pureed them with half-and-half from Jackson Dairy in Dunn, NC (90 miles from Greenville.) I diced half a sweet yellow onion and three cloves of garlic from Locavore market, and mixed that all together in a casserole dish.

While the ham and sweet potatoes were baking I washed and chopped two carrots, one pound of broccoli, and three cloves of garlic-- all also from Locavore market. I put them in small dutch oven, sprinkled them with salt and olive oil, and set them aside, to roast after I'd taken the ham out of the oven.

I had stoneground whole wheat flour from The Grain Mill in Wake Forest (80 miles from Greenville) that I used along with milk and butter from Jackson Dairy to make Christmas tree shaped biscuits (plus some standard round ones.) Sadly, I think I forgot the baking powder, because the biscuits failed to puff up like the should. They were good still,  just small.

(At this point, my camera decided to stop working. So the remainder of the photos on this post will be from my phone.)

For dessert, I used plums I had purchased this summer at the farmer's market, and frozen, to make my friend Becca's plum cake. It's her favorite cake, and a tradition in her family. She gave me the recipe last year, which I made for Travis' family at Christmas, and decided that I liked the cake so much it was going to become a Christmas tradition in our house too.  In addition to pureeing frozen plums, instead of using jars of plum baby food, I made a few other adjustments to the recipe, so that I could stay within the local guidelines. Normally it's made with regular flour, but I had ground oat flour from The Grain Mill, and decided to use that instead. I also substituted local honey in place of the sugar. The eggs came from Strawberries on 903 in Winterville, NC (10 miles from Greenville) and I omitted the oil, since it was already pretty moist from the honey and eggs. This resulted in a cake that was much nuttier and denser than the original, but it was quite good.  It's also normally baked in a bundt pan and sprinkled with powdered sugar. However, my bundt pan was MIA Christmas day, and I opted to drizzle it with honey instead of powdered sugar.

All-in-all, it was a fairly simply meal. But it was quite enjoyable, not to mention that it was really nice being able to make it in the middle of winter, using essentially all local ingredients, most of which were fresh. There's no way I could have pulled this off while still living in Alaska. Everything local would have been frozen for a few months, and I'd have had to make a berry pie since we can't really grown much fruit in Alaska.

Like I said, I really miss home. I really miss the food options I do have in Alaska, but I will most definitely miss the wide variety of local foods I can find in NC, once we move back to Alaska.

*What does local mean?

"Traditionally, local food challenges call for a 100 mile radius. Winter time is more difficult in many climates, especially if you’re new to eating locally, so my default winter definition is 150 miles. You can choose to make your radius smaller or slightly larger as you need. Typical exceptions to the local requirement are oils, coffee, chocolate and spices. If you’re making fewer or more exceptions, please note that on your first post."

For the purposes of this challenge, I will primarily be abiding by the 150 mile rule. However, I will likely count any NC goods as "local" while imposing the 150 mile rule only strictly if venturing outside of NC, either to SC or VA, for products. I don't plan to make any other exceptions outside of those addressed, however, should an exception arise, I will address it (and my reasoning) in a post.

Titles

I'm getting ready to submit an abstract to present, essentially my thesis work, at a conference in the spring with some classmates. I'm not very creative in the titular department, and was having a really hard time coming up with even a lame title to go along with my abstract.


I asked Travis, in a totally tongue-in-cheek way, to help me come up with a title. I should have been prepared for the hilarity that was about to ensue, but I wasn't.


Here are a few of his gems:

• VAGINAS IN ACTION
• Midwives Know What they're doing, Fuck Off, Doc
• Social Justice with a Grassroots Movement. Women Taking Back their Vaginas
• Suck on This: Home-births Should be Legal
• Anyone Can Deliver a Baby: Even Midwives!
• Pull the Sand out of your Vagina and Let the Midwives do their Jobs
• My Vagina's not Sick. Let me Keep it Out of the Hospital
• Birthing is not a Disease, Cuntfaces
• Labia Tears and Afterbirths all in the Safety of your Own Home
• Childbirth in Rural NC: How the Woods aren't Just for Beavers that Build Dams
• I Don't Tell you Where to Spooge, So Don't Tell my Vagina Where to Poop
• My JJ, not your Way-Way

Oddly enough, he did also basically come up with the title I decided to use, though I subbed out the word "vagina" in favor of the word "birth." Because let's face it, no matter how much Travis is obsessed with the word "vagina," birth is about more than just vaginas.

Sleep Paralysis

I was watching this video today, and my curiosity was immediately sparked when Hank mentioned dealing with sleep paralysis. The rest of the video, the idea of the improbability of place, normally would have been thought inspiring enough, but I was distracted by the idea of sleep paralysis.

This was the first time I'd ever heard this term, but immediately, I knew that I knew, experientially and somatically, exactly what he meant. 

A brief consultation with Dr. Wikipedia, confirmed for me that I have, on many occasions suffered from sleep paralysis. One line in particular stood out to me: 

"The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful or dream-like objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. " 

This happens to me easily twice a month, at least. It happens much more frequently if I've had a mid-day nap, but it also happens to me after a full night of sleep. I really can't tell you the number of times this has happened to me, and I thought it was just a really unpleasant, really uncomfortable dream. As far as I can recall, it has only happened to me when waking (Hypnopompic Sleep Paralysis), but never when I'm falling asleep (Hypnagogic Sleep Paralysis) 

While it is happening to me, I am always certain I'm newly awake, but find myself totally and completely unable to move. In the moment it feels very real and sharp; yet whenever I've "woken up" (been able to move again) it always seemed so foggy and surreal that I just assumed it was a dream. I'm basically positive that I don't have narcolepsy, though I do occasionally (not terribly frequently) have lucid dreams. I am going to start paying closer attention to it, to see if I can correlate it to any of these conditions WebMdhas outlined:

Who Develops Sleep Paralysis?

• a lack of sleep
• a sleep schedule that changes
• mental conditions such as stress or bipolar disorder
• sleeping on the back
• other sleep problems such as narcolepsy or nighttime leg cramps
• use of certain medications

You Capture-Real Life

Capturing my real life was easy enough...I take dozens of random "real life" pictures everyday. Picking the ones to use was a bit harder. Apparently most of my real life is spent waiting for the bus or watching T with Boomer and Rigo (the cats.)

Boomer Wants a Fly, Rigo Watches

(or something he and T are only imagining to be to be there. T lifting Boomer toward the ceiling is a fairly regular occurrence around our house.)

Rigo Taking Full Advantage of the Cat Bed

Morning at the Bus Stop

This is one of two bus stops by my house. This, or the one directly across the street, is usually the first place you can find me everyday

Waiting for a Shuttle at UAA in the Morning

It's so convenient that the bus goes from my house to UAA and the shuttle goes from UAA to the University Center, which is right next door to my office.

Waiting for People Mover at UAA in the Evening

This stop is where I can be found many evenings after work.

Jack'o'Lanterns on Our Porch (A Week and a Half after Halloween)

I keep hoping a moose will get them.

4:00PM Sunset while Driving Home on Ice Rinks, I Mean Roads

T Feeding his Dinner to the Cats

Nearly every night they want some of what we're eating. This night Boomer really enjoyed what was left of the squash.

Ah, summer...

Those words are spoken with subtle longing and a sense of loss, as opposed to the potential alternate interpretation of grateful appreciation.

It's late August. Classes start Monday. The State Fair has started. There is talk of Berry Picking (yay!) All signs that the season is rapidly drawing to a close. This time is always a little bittersweet. I do love fall and I do love winter. By the second week of October I'll be anxiously awaiting the first snow fall and the first hockey game of the season. I'm looking forward to getting T out on his snowshoes (which he got for his birthday, LAST October and still hasn't used!) and to Chena Hot Springs in the winter.

But summer, summer is so fantastic, usually. Alaskan summers are amazing, usually.

This summer has been lackluster, and as a result, so has my motivation. I've only hiked a very few times. I've not been for a single recreational bike ride (though I've ridden to work and about town with specific missions plenty.) There has been no Disc Golf, no swimming, no backpacking trips, not even any camping to speak of save a few trips to the Homer Spit and a one night to dipnet on the Kenai.

It is all very sad, and I feel an intense sense of longing for an Alaskan summer. There are things to delight in even now: Berry picking will be fantastic, I love berry picking... And there is still plenty of time to hike between now and winter. But I still feel my summer is lost. And I feel it more intensely than I normally do.

Perhaps it's because I know this was likely my last summer in Alaska for several years.

How sad.

What the...?

I was just driving home from work. Stopped at the intersection of 36th and Old Seward to make a right turn...while waiting for the light to change I leaned over the passenger seat of my car to roll down that window. I'm leaning over, and I look out my windshield, toward the sky as I roll the window down.

What do I see from this newly afforded angle out of my windshield? What is it I see as I am peering into the sky, while waiting in traffic, and utterly unable to pull over to get a better look or take a few pictures?

I see a plane. Neh, scratch that, I see SIX PLANES....but not just six planes flying through the sky. I see what appears to be a normal passenger jet of the 737 or 747 variety flying south. Following this normal appearing passenger aircraft, following very closely actually, was a large fighter jet of some variety. Flanking the right side of the normal appearing passenger aircraft were three smaller fighter jets and a fourth slightly in front of it.

This plane was very clearly being escorted. Maybe it was just some normal training exercise out of Elemendorf or Ft. richardson. But I see those all the time. Whereas I have never before seen such a site as one plane so clearly being escorted through the skies.

What's going on? Was this a completely normal occurance that I've just never noticed before, or is something up? Nobody else in traffic seemed to notice, though I did notice several pedestrians peering skyward with looks of bewilderment and curiosity.

I googled it, and checked the local news-stations and newspaper online. I don't see a mention of it anywhere. Totally bizarre nonetheless. I wish my camera had been accesible and not deep in the recesses of my backpack.

As an aside...Yes! it has gotten warm enough out that I need to open BOTH windows after the car sits in the sun all day.)

Sometimes snow makes spring nicer...

I was walking home from the bus stop a few hours ago and found myself staring in awe at the mountains. That happens to me pretty frequently anyway, but the sun always helps. It's spring, so we're finally getting sun in spades again (I believe it isn't setting until somewhere around 9 now!)

But, I think the reason I found Arctic Valley so stunning today was not just the spring sun that was lighting everything up (including my attitude, who can help smiling when walking outside in this kind of light?) It was the snow coating the valley from this weekend's snowfall. With the sun shining on it, it looked warm and serene and beautiful. It looked like a precisely iced cake just like my mother used to make when I was a kid-- and like I've never been able to perfect.

The picture does it no justice. Especially with all that classic 80's style multi-family home architecture that lines my street. But take a gander anyway. You should smile.

where does it all go?

I know it's the lament of the ages...but how does time pass so quickly? Is it really February 21st already?

A New Year

Jacy's new blog reminded that I had intended to post last night (or rather, this morning) when I got home. However, I fell asleep much more quickly than I imagined I would, and never quite got around to it.

Let me start by saying, since her blog was the impetus for my posting tonight- Congratulations to Jacy and Jacob!

I wish I had written last night, I'm afraid I've lost most of what I had to say. It centered mostly around the new year, of course, and how I'm especially drawn by symbolic beginnings and endings. The odd thing was that while I found myself as sentimental as I always do, I was not nearly as burdened by overwhelming feelings of melancholic nostalgia as I usually am on such occasions.

That seems odd to me considering how much has actually changed in my life in the last 12 months and how disconnected and distant from my close friends and social circles I have felt in the wake of many of those changes. Far less, if anything really, has changed over most of the last 5-10 years. It seems that given the amount of change I encountered in 2007, I should have more about which to be nostalgic. But the feelings of nostalgia, not to mention the melancholic overtone with which I normally contend, where almost completely absent. The feelings I felt at midnight, and in the time I had to reflect in between the chaos and revelry of the party we were at were not in any way as dichotomous as they normally are. I was simply happy and enjoying myself and grateful for what I have.

I suppose that should just be a reflection on how the changes in my life (as I referenced in a post a few months ago) have been the catalyst of good things. That should give me hope that the coming year will continue on a trajectory that will afford me the benefit of continued overwhelming contentment and happiness.

I'm saying overwhelming a lot, aren't I?

Being into symbolism as I am, I feel somewhat compelled to hash over my goals for the year, resolutions if you will, I suppose. I normally have them, and I normally share them with the people in my life, this blog just now gives me a new outlet for doing so.

I'm actually, finally, going to graduate this year. That's exciting, but kind of scary also. It means I have to figure out how to operate in the real world again, at least for a little while. That seems odd since I've long considered myself part of the workforce more than a student...and only started spending more time being a student than working in March. But I've quickly adapted to the lifestyle.

So, in large part my goals for the year center around life after college. I want to be sure to find a good job, that makes me happy but also gives me the chance to learn and grow...and hopefully affords me the sort of experience that will help me get into graduate school. Ideally, it will be anthropologically related...but I won't shirk at going back into health care or even substitute teaching, like so many other people I know have done.

But, I also don't want to forget that a major goal for my year off from school is to save money, pay down my debt, get myself in a financially stable position (maybe even with some sort of real savings) and to travel before moving on to grad school. As such....I think I should plan on taking a second, probably less fulfilling job, for a portion of that time so as to allow for what are probably some fairly lofty goals when combined with one another. (Paying down debt, saving for life and saving for travel.)

Travis talking to his dad earlier also made me realize that I should start paying attention to my retirement accounts again. I really don't have any idea how long it has been since I've made a contribution to them...let alone made any changes or taken any risks beyond my very modest mutual fund.

So what else did I have? Oh, right. I made a "solstice resolution" or something like that this summer. I was feeling pretty lonely and realized that I'm generally not a very good friend. In that I don't mean that I'm disloyal, I just mean I'm lazy. I consider myself a really social person, but have realized that there aren't enough people that I'm really interested in being good friends with and for those with whom I am already good friends, I put out so little effort. I have talked a lot of talk about changing that in the last six months, but I haven't put in the effort I should have. I'd like to change that. I'd like to not only see my friends more and to put in more effort for those encounters and relationships, but I'd also like to see myself working toward being a more earnest person socially in terms of establishing and keeping new friendships.

I need to stop relying on the man I'm with to be my sole source of social contentment/entertainment and I need to stop letting my contentment at simply being with someone interfere with my other friendships. Don't get me wrong, the one I've got now makes me incredibly happy...and I'm more than simply contented to be with someone...(at the risk of sounding overly sentimental and girlie) my life actually feels pretty whole, and I'm constantly enthused to be in the company and conversation of said person, and just generally feel better about where I am and the person I'm there with than I can ever remember being, ever... but being with someone makes me even lazier in terms of my other friends. I don't like that.

I guess, finally, would be the obligatory health/fitness related resolution. It's not really that I'd simply like to get back into better shape...but I'd actually like to complete at least one of the fitness goals I keep setting for myself. That means I'd like to not only do the Clean Air Challenge, but also to complete either a half marathon or the Gold Nugget Triathlon. Maybe both. I'm also going to take hockey again in the fall and then see about getting onto a women's rec team.

OK. For myself, can I just want to sum that up into a list.
1. Graduate, get a good job
2. Save money for: school, travel, life
3. Pay down debt, work on investments
4. Travel
5. Apply to grad schools
6. Be a better friend
7. Half marathon or triathlon + hockey.

On a lighter, less self-reflective note. The party we went to last night was very fun! I hadn't been to a good party, let alone a New Year's Party, in a really long time.

I felt a little awkward at first, really only knowing one person. But that happens, and most people feel shy in those situations...so of course I do too. After a little mingling and a few drinks everyone starts opening up. I ended up having several really good conversations with people...both friends of Travis' and some random people I don't think he knew. I even learned that one of them was in Costa Rica last New Years, staying in the same hostel in the same town and the same time as I was! And there were of course the nonsensical and sometimes over sentimental or just plain out there conversations that can be had only by drunk people celebrating the new year.

The party had a tropical island theme, most people were dressed accordingly to some degree which was fun. And the host (Kevin Fleming, who in a twist of one of those small world moments, is the brother of Erin Fleming, who I know from Alaska, long before I knew Travis.) Anyway, he did a fantastic job decorating and made his bar look like beach bar, palapa covered and all. Dan did a good job of bartending, I had more than enough to drink and I got an awesome bruise!

Trav and I were sparring, I got off balance at just the right moment and got knocked into this shelf thing. I bounced right back up, and got a few good shots in before noticing the my left arm had swollen quite dramatically. This morning a solid 10 inches of it was bruised. It's pretty cool, if not very sore, I'll have to take pictures.

I guess that's it really. I feel like writing, but at this point it's probably bound to become mostly non-nonsensical rambling.

This weekend is military appreciation at the Aces games. Tonight during the first intermission the Vietnam Vets Harley club hosted a fallen soldiers ceremony. Several participants were recent purple heart recipients from various Alaskan branches of the military.

As I sat watching this ceremony welcoming home those who have recently "served" in Iraq...and to honor those who have died, not just in this most recent "conflict" but in all previous American conflicts, I found myself repeatedly uncomfortable. Trapped, trying to reconcile two very disparate feelings.

On the one hand, I do not support the cause for which these newly returned men and women have been sent so far from home. I don't even really support the idea of the military or its overwhelming power and resource consumption (especially in this country.) Yet, I recognize the "need," at least at present day, for the armed forces to exist. More than that though, I have trouble reconciling my distaste for such a militaristic display and the fact that so many in the audience with which I sat so clearly support and embrace it, with my need to honor and respect those who have died and show compassion for those they have left behind.

I can't figure out if these most recent deaths are made all the more tragic by the fact that they were for a "cause" I find so repugnant. At least in (some) other/previous wars the causes were noble and the people who felt they were defending freedom may really have been.

I struggle with this and realize that these issues might be the sort of which I am bound to struggle with more as I see my youngest brother so excelling in his JROTC program and recognize that he may see the military as a quality choice for his future. It's made all the more difficult by the fact that I know following such a path might be one of the few things that helps him to climb out of the cycles that our family seem to get caught in. But, I fear for him in that...in all the ways that any family member would...but also I fear him becoming something or someone I am ideologically opposed to.

I know it isn't a guarantee that this will happen. I need only to look at my Uncle Brian, one of the people for whom I have always had the most respect, and his military career to know that it can serve my brother well without turning him into the "wrong" (in my eyes) kind of person. But my uncle enlisted and served most of his career during very different times...

Solo travel

I started this post two days ago sitting in SeaTac... I didn't finish it because I was greeted by a classmate, Marriane, who was joining my flight to continue the journey to Washington DC. We're both here to attend the annual meetings of the American Anthropological Association. I had planned on finishing the post when I got here, but it didn't happen and now, I've kind of lost my train of thought...

But, the thought has kind of continued as I've continued to feel a little off. What I've come up with is that I feel stuck in some sort of limbo. I'm neither traveling truly solo, nor with true travel companions. Some sort of weird nebulous territory in between.

That's not what I was feeling at SeaTac...I was feeling as a solo traveller at the time...but that has since morphed as my situation has.
______

I'm sitting in the Seattle airport by myself. It's a place I've sat, by myself, a multitude of times in the past. But, it's been a really long time since that last happened.

I realized last night, or maybe the night before, that this is the first trip I will have gone on by myself in a long time. I was excited about it when I realized that.

I used to find solo travel so exciting and liberating. I love sitting in airports and watching people coming and going (though it is less exciting now that people can't greet each other and say their farewells at the gates...) all why tucked away to myself, in the recesses of my brain, imagining what adventure might lay ahead of me.

I would occasionally (sometimes more frequently than others) make conversation with a random stranger...but I think more often I just observed.

Yet now, after a short 2.5 hour flight (during most of which, I slept) and 45 minutes by myself in this airport I just feel lonely.

It wasn't that I didn't used to feel lonely when traveling solo. I frequently felt painfully lonely. But the loneliness itself was liberating. Now it feels like a burden. I don't know what changed, really.

I mean, sure, for 6 years I had one constant travel companion...and I got used to that...to traveling with someone. But there were enough times that I wished to be traveling by myself. To just take off on a grand adventure. Me against my journey.

Is it just that I just learned to be spoiled by constant companionship that I now I'm uncomfortable without it? But what of those times when I felt intensely lonely even with companionship?

Foiled

The bi-polar weather of Anchorage (circa the last 10 or 12 years especially) decided to go and warm up on me. It's raining, the snow is melting. I'm not skiing... I did swim for a bit though.

Activity

I'm getting lazy. Or I've been failing to take advantage of the snow. Or maybe I got lulled into a complacent laziness because of the late arrival of the snow. It seemed too late in the year to hike, but there wasn't any snow so I couldn't go snowshoeing or skiing.

But, we've had snow for in town for about a week now, and I do live right around the corner from Russian Jack...I have no excuse for not skiing a few K except laziness. And there has been enough snow in the mountains for snowshoeing for at least a month.

I've got to get outside. I'm feeling like I might start going a little stir crazy and lapse into bad habits (like leaving the TV on for 6 hours even though I'm not even actively watching it) to mask my stir craziness. It's sort of a cyclical thing too...when I don't get outside and be active, I tend to do fewer active things inside (like go to the gym) and it leads me to feeling lest motivated to do the sedentary things I have to do, like homework... I need to get on top of this now.

I was planning on swimming tonight, because it has become my Tuesday night habit...but I'm wondering if I should go skiing instead? Maybe I'll do both! That's probably overly ambitious though...

I have work but no school tomorrow. Maybe I'll swim tonight and ski tomorrow after work. Trav will still be sleeping then, so it's not like he'll mist me at all...

this and that...

A few hours ago I was walking across campus and suddenly realized how much can change in a year's time. I can't really remember what sparked the initial thought, but I started thinking about where I was and how my life was going a year ago compared with how it is now.

New job, new apartment, new roommates, new significant other...still working on the same degree though. But, in all of that, I realized how incredibly happy I am now. Everything is really working out. The weird thing is that a year ago, I don't think I really understood how unhappy I was. Or, more importantly, how discontented. I think I'm blessed (or cursed?) with the ability to feel pretty content with my situation even when I'm not actually at all. It just goes with my smiling personality. :-)

At this time last year I'd been thinking about all the parts of my life that were bringing me down for a while, but it is only by being able to compare it to a now better period in my life that I am able to see how much contentment I was lacking.

Oh sure, school is stressing me out. But is it really? I don't think so, certainly not as much as it was last fall. And, when it is it is usually my fault simply because I've gotten really lazy and unmotivated. And the fact that I still don't have a car is frustrating...random other things...but that's all minor.

I have a job that I not only love, but in which I'm learning a lot and doesn't cause me any great stress. Graduation is in site, finally. I have cool roommates... And I have someone with whom to spend my time that just seems to understand and appreciate me...and vice-versa, with very little effort. Plus, we have similar interests academically and recreationally, which is a nice change. And he's funny as hell. But don't tell him I said that. Just tell him I said he's stupid.

The whole thing just makes me smile and be appreciative of life's peaks when we reach them. I suppose it makes me appreciate the valleys more too. Although, valleys are so frequently breathtakingly beautiful in and of themselves that it's a little unfortunate to use them as a metaphor for life's low points. But then again, maybe that's the point. It's poignant and painful, but there is as much beauty to be had in life's lows as in the highs.

I think I digressed somewhat. I'm not sure. My point was that the low points give more reason to value the high points. I guess it's just like I was sort of telling Travis about the other day...how reading and seminaring Brave New World in high school made me realize I wouldn't want a life that was all full of happiness. Happiness is too fleeting, and without sadness (or other negative spectrum emotions) how can there be any tangibility or true appreciation for those on the positive side? But...the same realization did also lead me to the conclusion that I could and should aim for overall contentment. One does not have to be happy to be content, one can be unhappy...but it also has the power to be lasting and real and to mean something with out the contrary.

A life without contentment is worth seeking a change for...without happiness, not necessarily.

I dunno. I think I digressed again. I just felt like talking about how happy I am AND CONTENT!

In other news, I swam today. It was the first time in ages. Damn I'm slow. I swam for 30 minutes and got in 13 laps. The biggest contributing factor to me being slow is my atrocious form. And that's just because when doing the crawl I'm not very good at keeping a steady pace that allows me to comfortable exhale with my face underwater and inhale every so often on an upstroke.

I start out a lap that way...but usually only make it a quarter or a half length before I feel so out of breath that I end up just turning my head from side to side on every stroke. Tonight, before I even got into the pool I had vowed to work on that, and I was with a moderate amount of success.

At one point I reach the end of a lap and turned to my right to notice that the guy swimming in the lane next to me had stopped and was staring at me. Initially I was a little creeped out...but then he said to me, in what sounded to me like a Mexican accent "Keep it up, just work on breathing underwater."

At which point I was a little annoyed and embarrassed that he had clearly been watching my horrible form. But then I got over it. He told me he is a swim coach and gave me some pointers. He stopped a few more times and encouraged me. As we were each leaving the pool we chatted a bit and after inquiring about his accent, I found out he's from Manzanillo, Mexico (the one south of Puerto Vallarta, not the one east of Mazatlan.) At that point I jokingly said he could help me with my Spanish and my swimming.... and proceeded to start speaking Spanish to me at a rate far too quick for me to get it all. But, I was excited because we had the rest of our conversation in Spanish!

All that aside, I'm again toying with the idea of training for the Gold Nugget Triathlon. It's a long time from now; theoretically if I worked hard enough I could have good proper form by May...slow proper form, but good none the less. Speed wouldn't really be the point so much as the accomplishment anyway.

The last thing I felt like sharing was this recipe for Maple-Tahini Roasted Tofu. I'd had the page marked in the Eating Well for weeks and finally got around to making it last night. It was so good! I omitted the black pepper and salt, just as a matter of habit. And accidentally omitted the sesame seeds because I forgot to buy them. I served it on soften bean threads, which I thought went pretty well.

While mine did not look nearly as pretty as the picture, I did think it was one of those most visually appealing things I'd made in a long time. I should have taken a picture myself.

Next time I make it I plan to add a little more tahini...and to remember the sesame seeds (because as Travis pointed out every time he suggested adding cashews) it needed something crunchy. But it was quite tasty, and easy...so I think I'll definitely be adding it to my regular repertoire. I suggest it!

That's all. I should be doing stuff. Namely studying.

Snow

There was snow on the ground this morning as I snuck out of the house, at what FELT like a very early hour.

It wasn't actually an early hour at all, or least not a very early hour. it was 7:45. It's only been a few weeks since I was last up and out at that time, but it was completely dark, without a hint of sunrise yet on the Eastern horizon. It's amazing how much earlier (or later at the opposite end of the day) the absence of light makes it feel.

It also wasn't the first snowfall Anchorage has seen yet this autumn/early winter. But it was the first seen by me, given that all the others have virtually melted away before I've left the house.

Being outside at that hour, with fresh snow on the ground and the sky still dark gave me a brief hint of one of the feelings I treasure during winter time. I love snowfalls, anytime of day.

However, snowfall at night is heavenly. In the city the snow laden clouds glow a soft pinky-orange and every falling flake seems vaguely back lit as it drifts to the ground, even if you are near no street lights. Plus there is the resounding hush that a snowfall creates, it seems amplified at night. The flakes in the the air create a dampening effect on the sounds around, even the traffic. And you know that the next day everything will be blanketed in white: clean and bright.

At night time, snowfalls are bliss. I can hardly wait to get out and ski around a lighted loop at Russian Jack (which is now just around the corner from my house) ...to fly down the hill at Bicentennial Park...or to skate around Westchester Lagoon with fires in the barrel and beer in the snow. All while the snow falls, the sky glows and the ambient noise is seemingly gone.

September and early October are always hard months. The anticipation of winter and the coming darkness is much worse than winter itself.

Seeing the snow on the ground and getting the vague sense of the peacefulness that will soon be brought reminds me of that. The anticipation does not lend itself to the fantasticness that is wintertime. I can't wait!

And I love my home. As Yukon Rider says "Where you can ski through most of the city, regardless if it's night or day--ya...."

Back at Sully

Last night hockey began again here in Anchorage, at least pre-season ECHL hockey. The Aces hosted the Texas Wildcatters, and while it was thrilling to be back in my seats and seeing a little hockey (even if it was on pink ice) the game left somethings to be desired. Chief amongst them, a win.

As I walked into the arena my chest filled with excitement. As I sat in my seat and they lowered the house lights preparing to introduce the teams my skin started to tingle. Fanatic? Maybe it's true, but it sure does make the winter pass more quickly...

With Chris Beckford-Tseu in net, the Aces still went down 5-3. That's incredible considering that in the last two seasons, at the ECHL level, Becford-Tseu has posted save percentages of .929 and .950. Though he lost last night, he has still never lost a regular season game in Sullivan Arena.

Special teams need work. We went only one for ten on the power play, and allowed Texas a short-handed goal. But, there were upsides. Both fights were great, I especially liked seeing new guy Miller give it to

Blah

I'm in a really terrible mood. I'm not sure when it happened. I was in a fine mood earlier today. But after leaving my Applied Anthropology class I discovered as I was talking to various people that I am just feeling very bitchy and blah.

Currently I'm kind of planning on skipping the hockey class I have in half an hour. I have no good reason except that I just don't feel like going. I really enjoy the second half of class when we scrimmage (even though I am not AT ALL good, it's fun.) But I don't really enjoy the skills drills at all. I am easily the worst person in the class. Kelly G. might argue with me on that fact about which one of us gets the honor, but I think it's me. I'm slow, and not picking up the skills nearly as quickly as everyone else.

I should just practice more between class, but it is harder to motivate myself to do when it's walking over to skate inside stinky WFSC and not going out to Westchester or something like that.

I want to be good, or at least adequate, at skating and playing so that I can play on a rec team. That's why I signed up for the class, so I should go and practice, right?
But, I have far too big an ego and I'm way too competitive for my own good. That's really my problem.

I do not like being bad at things. I especially don't like being abysmal at things. And even more specifically, I am way too concerned about being a "girl." I HATE being bad at things that girls are stereotypically bad at, like sports.

I have always felt as though, based on my personality and interests, sports are things at which I should be good. But, generally, they just aren't. Generally, I throw like a girl, and that translates into most of my other athletic endeavors too. Sometimes I blame it on lack of exposure as a child...and maybe that's it. But maybe it is just that I lack that kind of aptitude and don't want to admit it.

So, instead of sucking up the pride and practicing so I can actually gain some skill, what do I feel like doing? I feel like quitting so it isn't so painfully obvious how much I suck.

Right now I'm working on talking myself into going to class today (if for no other reason that so Kelly doesn't hate me!) and out of dropping the class all together.

But, with my general mood right now...I don't know how effective that is going to be.

To keep the car, or not...?

I finally talked to George, my friendly local Geico insurance claims adjuster, about the numbers he produced for my car.

It would seem that they have determined my car to have an overall value of $4532 on the Anchorage market. Add to this $15.00 for the title and $53.13 for registration . If I decided to just cut my losses and get a check they would subtract from this amount the following things:

$1000- deductible
$997 - unrelated damage to the back door (which happened when Jake was driving it a few years ago. The total cost of repairing this George told me is actually close to $2000, the insurance company "charges" half that amount)

Meaning they would write me a check for $2603.13.

If I decided to keep the car, it would have the same base value and they would subtract the same values. They would also charge me for "buying" the car back from them since they wouldn't be able to recoup any of their "losses" by reselling my vehicle. (never mind that I have already paid them several thousand dollars more over the lifetime of my policy)

So, if I keep the car then I get my car (which I love) and $1870 from Geico to put toward fixing it.

I'm torn. I don't know what to do. Is $1870 enough to fix it, at least to a drivable state? If I add some or all of my dividend to that amount, then what can I get done? That means I'm out a vehicle for a couple weeks, at least...which I CAN make work, but do I want to?

And do I have the time and motivation to track down the necessary parts and work to have the repairs done? How much of it can the mechanically inclined people in my family do for me? And how much of it do I have to pay someone to do?

The thing is, if I give up my car, and take the $2603.00, trade in my Saab and throw my dividend at it, what kind of car am I going to get? And am I going to find one that I love as much, or feel is as reliable or potentially long lasting? Plus... I'll have to deal with the actual hassle of skeezy car salesmen or people who just want to get rid of their own junker.

Hmm. The deep decisions of life.

Thoughts from the Bus...

Since I crashed my car (for the first time in my life) a little over a week ago, I've been without a steady form of regular transportation of my own. I've been largely reliant on the kindness of others. And by the kindness of others, I mean mostly Trav. He has been incredibly nice rolling me around town and such. But, I'm starting to feel really bad about it. Plus, I don't like feeling so dependent and reliant.

I've been riding my old friend, People Mover, a certain amount since I've been with out my car. However, I decided to really get back in the game today. I rode to work, then school, then the Dimond Center (to get a wireless router) and then to my parent's house. I haven't decided if I'm going to catch another bus away from here...or if I'm going to wait for the kindness of a ride from my mom and/or Trav.

Anyway. None of that is really my point. While tooling around town on the bus today I've had to distinct thoughts/feelings.

1. I feel oddly more independent on the bus that I do when driving around in my car. Why is that? At first, I was thinking that it must just be in contrast to relying on other people to get around. But then, I started thinking about it more and came up with two thoughts. The first is that, even if it is only the pithy bus system offered in Anchorage, it feels good to be well acquainted with routes and time tables. Even without a car, I am already well equipped to function within the transportation system that is provided me. The second, and probably more influential, is that I am probably feeling a throw back to the first feelings of independence I used to associate with the bus. Not getting my licence in high school like everyone else I knew, People Mover was my first taste of independence.

2. While on the bus I was reading the most recent edition of the Anchorage Press. There was a small snippet in which Mark Begich (our current Mayor) was explaining how a commuter rail link between the Dimond Center and downtown is probably going to a reality with in five years! Even more incredibly, this opens up the possibility for a link between the Valley and Anchorage in a short amount time. And, once that was developed, it would only be a matter of time before more stops or routes could be added at hub points around Anchorage, and perhaps more in the valley.

I can't even begin to explain what a benefit to the Anchorage commuter community such a link would be.

First of all, in terms of the Anchorage rail, I remember all too painfully the fact that, when taking the bus, it takes about an hour to get from South Anchorage to downtown Anchorage.

In a car, even at the busiest times of day, this takes a maximum of 25 minutes. So the hour long bus ride is painful. Adding a rail link from the Dimond Center to downtown could drastically reduce this commute time. People could bus from their outlying neighborhoods to DC Transit Center, transfer to the train, and be downtown taking only slightly longer than it takes to drive independently in one's own car. And, it would save all of the stress and hassle of driving in traffic (or the close approximation to traffic that we have here in Anchorage.)

The mayor also suggested that the several million dollars which are projected to be sent on the Knik Arm Crossing Bridge could (SHOULD) be diverted and spent on developing a real commuter rail from the valley and the necessary accessory services (such as increased access to downtown from the railroad depot and increased bus routes and service of existing routes)to make this a viable option and one that might be embraced by the other wise car loving, independent Alaskans.

To have such a commuter rail system would be amazing! Again, as I said, it could save those people who already depend on public transportation tons of time, as well as opening more options. But, in terms of the real commute, such as the one folks from the Valley make every day, the change would be incredible, and far more beneficial the Knik Arm bridge. The rail system would reduce traffic congestion, which would in turn reduce commute time (especially in the winter), reduce air pollution and would likely be a option much more accessible to the bulk of valley residents than a bridge for which they would all have to drive considerably out of their way to access in the first place.

Am I being too hopeful to think that Anchorage can actually develop in a pedestrian/commuter/environmentally friendly way before we make too many of the same mistakes that other cities have made at this stage in development? Am I too hopeful to think that the powers that be are finally starting to realize that we have a real need for a highly effective and developed network of public transportation?